This is what recovery is all about. It’s the ups, the downs, the struggles and the joys that get you through. It’s your journey alone, you cant let the bad times keep you down you’ve got to keep working, keep pushing, keep moving. You will get there eventually, the only person who has to believe it, is you.
I’m always saying to myself, think positive, think positive, think positive it will happen. I’m always changing, no day is the same for me. Things have definitely happened differently to how I planned them but i’ll continue to grow no matter what.
I’ve been working really hard the last 12 weeks since my operation and already feeling 100 times better at this point in my recovery than I was when I had my first reconstruction last year. I had my 3rd physio apt about 5 weeks ago and today I went back for testing. Today determined a lot, it was basically going to control what the next step in my recovery was and after all the work I’ve put in, getting told that I wont be moving forward was probably the worst thing I’ve heard in my rehab so far. For me to hear something like that is pretty rough and it’s nothing short of frustrating. I like to see myself as a positive person although I’m far from perfect and lately It’s getting pretty damn hard to keep telling myself I’m doing okay when I’m clearly far from it.
The last two weeks have been pretty intense, lots of exercises and lots of tests, plenty of things that have taken me way past my comfort zone. I am physically and mentally tired that’s for sure. I’ve had a lot of self-doubt, especially today and its not getting any easier when I know where I need to be/meant to be but there are still issues within my knee holding me back. It’s difficult for me to take a step back when all I want to do Is keep moving forward because I know I’m so close to something I have been wanting for a very long time and that is to get the clearance to run. I used to hate the thought of running, absolutely dreaded it, but as soon as I wasn’t able to do it, all I’ve wanted to do is run, funny that. I’ve had to mold my life in a very different way to how things used to be and its tough to go about daily life and not being able to do the things I would kill to do. Both my Physio and my Surgeon had told me that my knee was never going to be the same again, I’ve learnt to accept that but still to this day it doesn’t really feel normal or “how it supposedly should”. I don’t tend to read to far ahead in my rehabilitation guide but if it was a perfect world I would be back on the court doing semi contact basketball drills, however its not a perfect world and I’m still fighting and working my hardest to ensure I can reach the next part in my rehab.
Up until a couple weeks ago, I was feeling pretty amazing, and I still do, but I tend to lie a lot about the feeling of my knee. I like to say it’s feeling awesome and it’s strong even when it clearly isn’t. I’m extremely fearful of where the truth will lead me though, because I surely know it can’t be good and today proved exactly that. It hurts quite often, more than it probably should but what do I know, I have no idea whether the pain I feel is normal or I’m just in denial. I never complain about it, well at least I try not too. Normally at my pt sessions the first thing I’ll say when he says how are you doing, is “oh amazing” or “unreal” but today It was a little different and finally I just said it how it was, “I’m not feeling good at all,” and that was the truth. Ill push through the pain just so I can move on to the next phase but today I learnt that I just can’t afford to do that anymore. As much as it hurts me and kills me a little on the inside, I’ve made the decision to take a step back with rehab so that eventually I can move forward again.
After having a pretty rough week, I knew I needed a break to re group and focus more on what needs to be done. As much as my mind needed the break so did my body, I’ve started to lack a lot of energy over the last few weeks and my body is physically aching all over, I know that it’s definitely a sign that something’s going on because I haven’t done anything insanely tough that was going to make me feel the way I did.
After waking up Wednesday morning feeling like I’d been hit by a bus then being diagnosed with glandular fever and an iron deficiency was definitely not how I planned to start my day that’s for sure, better yet, the next phase of my rehab. This was obviously the biggest sign for me I think, change was definitely needed in order for me to go forward. I have taken a well earned break from my gym and pt sessions, which is going to give me the time to heal and hopefully come back feeling a lot better overall than when I was killing myself day in day out and getting absolutely no where. It’s something that I need to learn to live with now and I know I can’t just sit back and let it take over my life, however, in order for you to go forward sometimes taking a step backwards is the best thing.
And at the end of the day, this is life and there’s nothing we can do about it. I’ve had a million obstacles thrown my way this past year and each time I seem to think they’re all impossible to overcome but in the end, a positive mind frame and a determined heart always wins and I come out better on the other side. So I’m going to keep pushing on and I’m going to get through it one way or another. I’m thankful for the challenges because they continue to point me in the right direction and redirect me down the path I need to be on.