Oh hi there, It’s been some time since I wrote hey. Well guess what? I’m back and I’ve got plenty to tell so I better get started.
Life is this crazy thing I have been living (hence why I haven’t written in a while) and my goodness has it been up, down, high, low and anything you can imagine. For a little while there I got so caught up with everything that I didn’t even know what I was doing or why I was doing it. Constantly in a battle with my mind and telling myself I’m not good enough or I’ll never be good enough for anything or anyone. I’ve needed to put everything aside and be my own motivation the last few weeks and it’s really helped me through some pretty tough times. I remember back to this time last year when I was probably at my lowest, my life was a mess. I wasn’t ever sure or convinced that anything could change it or the direction it was going in. A lost soul living out a life full of hate, that was me 12 months ago. I’m now living my life with purpose and each day I grow a little more. But trust me, I’m still far from perfect and I have an incredible amount to improve on.
This year I’ve set plenty of goals in which I want to achieve. Each new week I set a new or different goal and I stick to it until it’s achieved. It makes me so excited that things are finally starting to make sense and piece-by-piece I feel like my life is slowly but surely starting to go somewhere.
I’ve had to make some tough decisions in the last month or so. Ones that I didn’t really want to make however, knew that if I did and followed my heart I would be better off in the long run. Like always, things haven’t worked out the way I wanted or hoped but I’m constantly shutting one door and opening a new one. I’m finding that no matter what, when you get knocked down you must get up and try again and again and again.
For a few weeks I’ve been trying really hard to find me. To find the girl that I know is deep within. I’ve done so much soul searching and read a million books but never really just stopped and focused on me and what I truly want. For such a long time I’ve been living out everyone else’s life, I’ve been doing the things everyone else wants me to do and not once have I put myself in my own shoes and asked myself what I want.
My life (before basketball came back into the picture), in my eyes was pretty close to perfect. I had everything I needed. Two pretty great jobs, my health, my family and most of all I got to see glimpses of the real me living out a life, which made me, feel complete in all aspects. With one major goal set, each day I had a purpose to get up and to go out and work hard so I could move one step close to achieving that goal.
For my whole life, ever since I was little girl basketball has been my security. It’s the one thing that I enjoy the most out of anything in this world and it’s hard to believe I spent such a long time away from it. I’ve been trying my hardest to get back on track and to find where I fit but when you’ve been out of the sport for two years, you can’t just slot back in where you left off. It’s just not that simple. The work becomes 10x harder and the toll it takes mentally/emotionally is definitely not what I expected nor what I wanted to experience.
2016 hands down was the hardest year of my life but 2017, well the majority of it anyway hasn’t been much better. Just recently, I stopped doing the things that I would normally love to do, I’ve become really sick and I’ve gone back to a place where I swore I would never go back. I stopped believing in my abilities and I started to shut out the life I have always wanted to live because it no longer felt in reach. I fell back to old habits and I really let myself down all because of a sport. Like I said in my last post, doing life injury free in my eyes is a lot tougher than actually being injured, which sounds like absolute bullshit but believe it or not, its true. You see, when I was injured I was able to purely focus on me and what I had to get done and I succeeded in that but coming back into the real world I feel a whole new level of pressure and it’s pretty exhausting. I hide my feelings away and try to pretend like everything is ok, when clearly it’s not. Even when I show up and work hard, I end up back at square one. With no explanation whatsoever, I’m left feeling unsatisfied and unworthy in the sport I’ve played my whole life. I try so hard to hold it together but each time I break down and ask myself why. I fall back to this one question every single time, “Is this what you truly want for yourself or are you just doing this for everyone else because it’s what everyone else expects you to do…” It’s pretty powerful but it’s the only thing that I can comprehend because so far basketball has been the complete opposite of what I want in my life right now. With so much anger, hate, anxiety and left feeling depressed each time I step anywhere near the court, I’ve become the version of myself I cannot stand. I guess that’s what happens when you get so caught up living life each day without a purpose or any meaning and simply not enjoying the things you are doing.
For the first time in a while I decided to put myself first and I asked myself that very question and as tough as it was, I made the decision to give away the one thing I worked so hard to achieve, the one thing that was making me feel the way I did towards the sport I have always loved. With my mind made up and my heart set, I felt a sign of relief and a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. I knew that even though it killed me inside it was the right thing to do in order for me to move on with my life. I have since re-evaluated my goals and what I thought my purpose to be in this world. I had to decide that what ever I do from now on needs to serve me and make me feel like someone in this world and if it doesn’t then I know I shouldn’t be doing it. I shut out the world that made me feel small and I decided that no matter what I have to be there to believe in and back myself 110% of the time because no one else is going to come along and do it for me. I have a clear vision of what I now want and I’m not going to stop until I have it. I’ve set myself up for so much growth and improvement over the next few months as I’ve made a massive decision to leave my life behind here in little old Tasmania and move onto bigger and better things else where.
It’s the easiest thing in the world to give up especially when everything seems like it’s falling apart. Deep down there is strength in all of us, a strength that tells us to hold on or to keep fighting. Sometimes you just need to tell yourself that you’re doing ok or that everything will be ok. At the end of the day it’s ok to be afraid and to be upset. Our lives are full of pressures and most of the time they will bring out the worst in all of us; I am so guilty of that. Ensure that you remain positive, smile and let yourself know that it’s going to be OKAY, maybe not now but eventually. When life knocks you down, take some time to look at the bigger picture. Set yourself free, find the things you love doing and hold onto them as tight as you can, let go of the things that no longer serve you and most of all, start enjoying this precious life you were given for most it will give you a new perspective and point you in a different direction towards something even better. I think too much of our time is wasted on doing the things that consume our energy in all the wrong ways. Do something that makes you sparkle and feel special, just like you deserve.